35+ Funny Quotes

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--Steven Wright

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything - even poverty - you can survive it.
--Bill Cosby

One day while Groucho Marx was working in his garden (dressed in well-worn gardening attire), a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and endeavored to persuade the gardener to come and work for her. How much does the lady of the house pay you? she asked. Oh, I don't get paid in dollars, Groucho replied, glancing up. The lady of the house just a lets me sleep with her.
--Groucho Marx (1895-1977 )US comedian, member of the Marx

Brothers

A sense of humor is the lubricant of life's machinery.
--Unknown

If you can look into the mirror without laughter, you have no sense of humor.
--Unknown

OK, so what's the speed of dark ?
--Steven Wright

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world was tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.
--Lenny Bruce US comedian, satirist, author

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
--Grenville Kleiser

Everybody says that comedy is harder to do. That's become a truism by now, but it's wrong. Comedy is not harder. The hardest thing is to do good work, whatever it is.
--Woody Allen

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died
--Steven Wright

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
--Clive James

Humor is just another defense against the universe.
--Mel Brooks

Happiness for the average person may be said to flow largely from common sense -- adapting one-self to circumstances -- and a sense of humor.
--Beatrice Lillie (1898-1989) English comedienne

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
--Steven Wright

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
--Steven Wright

Comedy is tragedy plus time
--Carol Burnett

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot
--Charlie Chaplin

Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy to those who think
--Horace Walpole

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
--James Thurber

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your step as you walk the tightrope of life
--William Arthur Ward

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.
--Langston Hughes

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road.
--Henry Ward Beecher

Laughter sets the spirit free to move through even the most tragic of circumstances. It helps us shake our heads clear, get our feet back under us, restoring our sense of balance and purpose. Humor is integral to our peace of mind and to our ability to go beyond survival.
--Captain Gerald Coffee POW in Vietnam for seven years

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.
--Romain Gary

Optimism and humor are the grease and glue of life. Without both of them we would never have survived our captivity.
--Philip Butler, Vietnam POW

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.
--Horace Walpole English novelist

A Craftsman polishes his work, but a Comedian polishes his errors.
--Tony Follari Comedian